A Bit of Advice

It's been said before, but it bears repeating.

You're in the desert with nothing to do:

Name the stinkin' horse !!!!!

The new Klan

A white man and former member of the Ku Klux Klan is impeding the path of a black woman to a very high political office. So why isn't the press all over this, screaming "racism" ?

Well, the former Klansman is a Democrat -- Sen Robert Byrd. And the black woman is a conservative -- Dr Condoleezza Rice.

So, it's perfectly "acceptable" to the media (which, of course, has no bias at all).

Shingles

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles."

So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, electrocardiogram, then told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

=============================

P.S. Please pray for my dad -- he has non-Buford shingles right now. Pretty good sport, considering that he is the one who sent me this story.

Did you know...?

I turned 18 in late November of 1984.

I'll wait while you do the math to figure out how old I am now.

OK, done?

In the fall of 1984, I was a freshman in college, living with 5 other guys in a house near campus. We hosted an election party for a bunch of friends the night of the election, with 3 TVs going at once -- one on each of the 3 networks -- yes, there were only 3 back then -- to watch the returns.

OK, now remember how I said that I turned 18 in late November 1984? I was only 17 at the time of the election, and therefore ineligible to vote. Regardless of this detail, my roommates (all older than me) said in a horrified tone to everyone that came in the house that night, "Did you know that Brendt didn't vote for Reagan?"

Imagine nothing

The company I work for has gone totally Zen. One of my tasks is to be the department liaison for changes to certain systems. Part of that involves a weekly meeting that reviews current changes.

Part of entering a change is to cite what impact (if any) this change will have to the customer (e.g. the server will be unavailable for 90 minutes). If there is no impact to the customer, one would think that it would suffice to put "none" in that field. One would be wrong. It was stated, "We want to see that you put some thought into [the impact field]."

They want to see that you put some thought into NOTHING !!!

Oh crud, my hair is bleeding again.

Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

Obituary

Got this is an e-mail today:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as:

• knowing when to come in out of the rain
• why the early bird gets the worm
• and that life isn't always fair

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that eating fast food every day would make you fat and decided to sue McDonald's.

Common Sense was preceded in death by

• his parents, Truth and Trust
• his wife, Discretion
• his daughter, Responsibility
• and his son, Reason

He is survived by two stepsisters -- Mya Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still know him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

Lotsa dimes

Counter Inaugural, a left-wing organization (like we need another one of those) is organizing all sorts of protests against President Bush's (re-)inauguration. One of the protests involves the entire country. I quote them (slightly censored):

Inauguration Day--Silent Protest--Not one d*** dime!

Since our religious leaders will not speak out against the war in Iraq, since our political leaders don't have the moral courage to oppose it, Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One D*** Dime Day" in America.

On "Not One D*** Dime Day," those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending.

During "Not One D*** Dime Day" please don't spend money. Not one d*** dime for gasoline. Not one d*** dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one d*** dime for anything for 24 hours.

On "Not One D*** Dime Day," please boycott Walmart, KMart and Target. Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all for that matter).

For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down.

Rhetorical questions, then the meat of this post:

• Why would you hurt your next-door neighbor, who works at the Quik-E-Mart, to send a message to President Bush?
• If the economy is as bad as the left would have us believe, isn't this going to have a non-effect (kinda like pouring out a cup of water during a monsoon)?
• Or alternately, if it is going to have an effect, why would you willfully make a bad problem (that affects you) worse?

So, for all the right thinkers out there, how about a Counter Counter Inaugural and spend lots of money? Some ideas:

• Fill all your vehicles with gasoline. Even if they're close to full. (But even better, try to time it so that they aren't.)
• Do you pay your bills electronically and have some that are due on the 20th or shortly thereafter? Have the payments made on the 20th.
• Work it out to try to do your grocery shopping that day. Even better, if you buy the 50-gallon tub of pickles at Costco, do it that day.
• Be like my dad, and start your Christmas shopping early.
• Get a gift card recently? The store can't count it as credit until you use it. Why not on the 20th?
• Buy yourself a "for four more years, we won't be negotiating with head-case terrorists" celebration gift. C'mon, you've been wanting that power saw.

I'm sure there are other ideas, too. Get creative! Show Geraldine Ferraro that people in red states do have something to contribute to society!

Does God make you laugh?

Gen 21:6 (NKJV) - And Sarah said, "God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me."

The title for this entry was actually the title of Wednesday night's teaching at church. This blew me away. We hear (and rightly so) that God gives us joy, and that joy and happiness are not the same thing. But many times it's almost spun as though joy was the antithesis of happiness. Such is obviously not the case here. Sarah did not say "God filled me with joy." She said "God has made me laugh." And when God makes you laugh, it's a lot better than when Jerry Seinfeld does it.

How come nobody bought them?

Saw this on ebay today. The Miami (FL) at Georgia Tech game was on Jan 6 at 7:00 pm EST. Someone put up 4 tickets for $1000 (!) on Jan 6 at 8:30 pm (the game was more than half over).

Maybe the steep price includes a time machine....

so which is it?

After the 2000 presidential election, all we heard from Democrats was that Gore won the popular vote, and how it wasn't right that this fact was legally meaningless.

After the 2004 presidential election (in which Bush won the popular vote), the electoral vote is under fire by Barbara Boxer and other Democrats today.

So which is important, Barb, the electoral or the popular vote?

My Muppet Story

Many scenes in Muppet movies are spoofs of scenes in other movies. In The Muppets Take Manhattan, Kermit is very happy at one point while walking through New York, doesn't look where he's going and gets hit by a cab. This is a direct spoof on when this happened to Deborah Kerr in An Affair to Remember (1957). When I saw this movie in the theater, I caught the reference right away and started laughing. Everyone in the theater (including my mom next to me) was looking at me like I was some sick cretin that I was laughing that Kermit got hit by a cab. I leaned over to my mom and just said "An Affair to Remember", and then she caught the reference too and started laughing. Still wonder what those people think of us....

How many sparrows?

Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7, NKJV)

Technically, in Jesus' day, four sparrows were sold for two copper coins. But the sparrows were of so little worth, that the seller threw in a fifth one for free.

So, these sparrows, everyone of which God tracks, aren't even really worth 2/5 of a copper coin. They're really of no value at all -- in and of themselves. The point of God's care for us, who "are of more value than many sparrows" remains the same, but (for me, anyway) has an even greater impact.

Hey, at a minimum, your stock just went up 20%

acronyms

My company has officially run out of acronyms. I was on a conference call recently discussing soon-to-be-released applications. One of the newest applications is called S.O.L.

(For those less in-the-know, SOL is an acronym for "Excrement" Out of Luck)

I thought that was crazy, so I email-ed a friend of mine who is a former co-worker and now works for the state of Georgia. His response:

Some of the stuff I've seen at [our former company] and in state gov't defy all common sense. We had a Combined Resource Allocation Program started here 2 years back until someone tried to design a logo...

Separated at birth?

Am I the only one that thinks that Benicio Del Toro looks like Bowzer from ShaNaNa?

Pet Peeve #42

Miniature candy bars are often labeled as "fun size". What's fun about less candy?!?!

Reason #873 to hate Micro$oft

(like we need another....)

My department's problem tracking system is web-based and only runs in IE (netscape dies a horrible and bloody death). Having to go to it several times a day (and seeing as how it is a loooooooooooooooooooooooong URL), I bookmarked it.

But in IE, bookmarks are called "favorites", the implication being that a problem tracking system is one of my favorite places to go.

I'm a geek, not an idiot.

What do these stones mean to you?

Joshua 4:5-7 (NKJV)
5 and Joshua said to them: "Cross over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel,
6 that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, "What do these stones mean to you?'
7 Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever."

People in the Old Testament (quite often at God's command) built or erected something as a remembrance of God's deeds and to prompt the questions of others (particularly children). This is often seen in the Passover observance, too.

This particular passage struck me though, as the intended question is "What do these stones mean to you?" Yes, there is (and always will be) absolute truth -- here, it is cited in verse 7. But our faith is also personal.

I know that's very obvious and something we've heard often, but this passage shed some new light on that truth for me, and I wanted to share it with others.

So, what does this post mean to you? ;-)

When did "snooze" become 6 minutes?

When I was a kid, the "snooze" alarm on every clock would cause the alarm to go off again 9 minutes later. Seemed an arbitrary figure, but it also seemed to work -- often, 9 minutes later, I'd feel more refreshed.

Now every clock I or my wife have that has a snooze on it -- the snooze is 6 minutes. Even my cel phone's alarm snooze is 6 minutes. And contrary to 9 minutes, 6 leaves me feeling less refreshed.

So what's up with that? Is our society in such a rush that 3 extra minutes means death?

how loooooooooooooong?

Acts 23:11
But the following night the Lord stood by him and said, "Be of good cheer, Paul; for as you have testified for Me in Jerusalem, so you must also bear witness at Rome."

Acts 24:27
But after two years Porcius Festus succeeded Felix; and Felix, wanting to do the Jews a favor, left Paul bound.

Acts 25:12
Then Festus, when he had conferred with the council, answered, "You have appealed to Caesar? To Caesar you shall go!"

(all quotes are from the New King Jimmy)

In the first passage, the Lord tells Paul that he's going to Rome. In the second passage, we see that at least 2 years have passed, and Paul hasn't gone to Rome yet. In the third passage, Festus at least says that Paul will go to Rome. (Granted, it is even more time before he actually goes.)

This was pointed out in the teaching at my church some time ago.

Sometimes, while acknowledging God's timing on things, we still think that He wouldn't tell us that something is going to happen looooooooooong before it happens.

OK, maybe that should be "I", not "we". Hopefully, there's at least one other person out there who this'll mean something to.

Caution, merging traffic

I've decided to grab some of my "greatest hits" from my other blog and put them here. So if anybody is actually following this, and suddenly there's a bunch of new stuff, no, I don't type that fast. The wonders of copy-n-paste.

See, they're improving already

This is definitely a high-speed connection thing (54 MB).

Time-lapse photography at the South Pole. Note the sun and star movement and the auroras (especially viewable when sun is not on the screen).

Here's the link

The very first post

Well, here it is. The first (and hopefully worst) post of this blog. Actually I've blogged elsewhere before, but wanted to share my wisdom with you. Don't you feel privileged?